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Witless protection
[DVD]

$5.99

Unlike many film critics (and a good portion of the general population), I dont find Larry the Cable Guy to be abhorrent. In fact, I find him quite funny at times. I even enjoyed his first foray into the star vehicle, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.

With that said, this guy does need some better writers and filmmakers on his side. Hes a tough act to swallow on the big screen, especially when hes buried in a February release. But after a lesser film in last years Delta Farce and now the off-the-radar Witless Protection, hes making a fast decent into the garbage heap.

I will give Larry credit, though. He knows where his bread is buttered, and hell probably make a nice living for a few years in these low-budget, low-rent, low-brow comedies. As long as he doesnt try to make his redneck version of Gangs of New York, hes going to be a cash cow for the folks at Lionsgate.

The only time youll hear the term Academy Award in the same paragraph as Larrys name is when people mention that Witless Protection is being released in the theaters on Oscar weekend. And he seems to be okay with that.

The film stars Larry as a deputy sheriff in a podunk Mississippi town. For some inexplicable reason, hes dating the still-very-sexy Jenny McCarthy, who is the Daisy-Duke-wearing waitress at the local diner. One day while drinking his milkshake (another bizarre Oscar connection to this year), Larry witnesses a beautiful woman (Ivana Milicevic) being escorted into the diner by men in black. Larry deduces (rather incorrectly) that shes been kidnapped, and its up to him to save her.

Soon, Larry gets the lady to trust him, and they discover she is being hunted by the man shes testifying against. This leads Larry through a maze of weird movie moments where he plays polo, practices karate and farts a lot.

In many ways, this movie reminds me of an Uwe Boll flick, and not just because it stinks. It has a similar slate of terrible, forced dialogue. Theres also moments of complete incoherence in the story. In fact, the film jumps around in tone and setting so much, its like watching someone flip channels for 90 minutes while Larry and Ivana move from show-to-show like a bad John Ritter movie.

Additionally, it appears that Larry has something to leverage over some of the actors in the film. Its not that Im surprised that Jenny McCarthys in the flick. But people like Joe Mantegna has reached a new low in acting, even for the guy who pioneered the crappy direct-to-DVD release.

And dont get me started with Peter Stormare. Its as if Larry forced him to be even a worse actor than he is. If you thought Stormares accent was bad in Armageddon, brace yourself for this film. Ive heard better accents at two-bit Renaissance festivals.

I cant say Im surprised at how bad Witless Protection was. But I was surprised at how little excitement there is for this film, even from Larrys core audience. Because Lionsgate didnt screen this movie for anyone, I had to pay to see it. And for the first time since I saw Leprechaun in 1993, I was utterly alone in the movie theater. Thats a feat to accomplish on Oscar weekend.
Date Added: 05/04/2013 by Jew
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